I received my evaluation today. Each year we get evaluated under a system called PDAS. I can't really remember what it stands for...we have so many acronyms in education. But it doesn't matter. Basically we get scored on a bunch of different areas. Here is the link I looked up...and it stands for Professional Development and Appraisal System. If you are super interested in how teachers in Texas are evaluated you can read about it on that site. It is so very fascinating.
I got a near perfect score. I received a Proficient in 2 domains and an Exceeds Expectations in all the rest. "Great!" you say. It is supposed to be near impossible to get an Exceeds Expectations. In the 5 years I have been teaching I have always received almost perfect scores of Exceeds Expectations in all the domains. So much so, that my overall score is always Exceeds Expectations.
So am I a super amazing teacher that should be featured in national news? Probably not. Mainly the PDAS is a big joke. Much like the evaluation system before the PDAS and much like anything that will come after it. Principals just don't have time to focus on teacher evaluations. They are busy with other things like discipline and paperwork. Principals know who is doing their job and who isn't. They have department heads for a reason. They know which teachers show up on time and which ones are late. They know who is teaching and who isn't. PDAS is a formality.
So why am I writing about my perfect scores? I don't know. I was trying to sleep and I couldn't. I had a blog post roaming my thoughts and I needed to get it out. The point of my post is this...I don't give myself enough credit for the job that I do.
My mom says that I never give myself credit for my successes. And she isn't alone. I am surrounded by family and friends say the same thing. The problem is with me. I never think that I am doing enough. And if I am doing enough then I am not doing as good a job as I could do. Nothing is ever good enough or right enough. I am my own worst critic. On the day I do show a video because I need some time to catch up on paperwork (like grading) I feel guilty that I am not teaching something. When I am home sick with a migraine I am probably making my headache worse by being frustrated that I am wasting time at home when I need to be reviewing a hard topic. I beat myself up constantly. I need better activities. I need to find a new lab. I need to go back over a hard topic. I need to stand over so-and-so and get him to turn in work so he doesn't fail the six weeks.
Why am I so hard on myself? I think it is because of that fine line between being boastful and being humble. I don't walk around school telling people how many tutorials I held last week. I don't tell people I am great at what I do. (Well I do tell some people, but they have to be very trusted friends and family who know that I am not being proud.)
How do you know when you cross the line of being accepting and honest about your abilities to being proud and boastful? It seems easier to just focus on what you don't do well and try to find ways to get better.
The other reason I think I am so hard on myself is because I know that I am not perfect. I want to get better. I am a life-long learner. There is always a better way. Kids are always changing and we have to find ways to change with them and reach them. I am afraid of becoming complacent and therefore becoming ineffective.
So I am hard on myself. I mention the good things and the successes to people but when they comment or congratulate I brush it off. And I think when I do that it makes some people, like my mom, frustrated.
Therefore, tonight, here in my blog, I am going to give myself a little credit.
Maybe I do deserve those "Exceeds Expectations." I do work very hard at my job. I offer tons of tutorials. I talk with my kids and I truly like them. So many teachers hate their students. I don't. I don't even hate the ones that irritate me. Sure they irritate me...but they are kids. And even the irritating kids have good days sometimes. And those days are as good as gold. I laugh with my kids. Sometimes we goof off together for a few minutes. They tell me a story or a joke. They confide in me and tell me something serious...or something silly. They seek me out in the hall to say hi. They are happy to see me if I have been out. They think I am nice...even when I am hard on them. I loan them money. Sometimes they pay me back. They tell me about their football plays. They share their excitement of earning "Commended" on the TAKS test....or their excitement of just passing. I give out more pencils and pens and paper than I should...even when I tell them that next time I won't be so nice. I email their parents with grade updates so they won't be grounded. I smile when I ask them to tuck in their shirts for the one millionth time this year. Sometimes I write them up...
I do make a difference in their lives, if only for a few short moments. I make them smile. I make them laugh. I have even at times made them cry.....sometimes we need feel bad for something we did. We have to learn empathy. We have to learn that sometimes we really did do something wrong and we should feel bad about it. But then I always smile and tell them that I know that they will do better because I have seen them at their best.
My job isn't always easy. Some days I dread it. Some days I wouldn't change for millions of dollars. But maybe, just maybe, I do Exceed Expectations. But I don't really need to shout it from the roof top. I am content to see it on that evaluation form. PDAS may be a load of crap...but the perfectionist in me would be devastated to see anything less.